Tauriel vs Syarra Melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI
by Queen of Adrian
Summary: A bunch of critical jokes are made at The desolation of Smaug and battle of the five armies. Kili's body is stolen by an OC, and Tauriel later ventures to retrieve it.


Tauriel sat miserably on a platform of Raven Hill mourning the loss of her life's love. She technically could count all of the hours she had known him on one hand, but it was truly love at first sight.

Was his name Fíli...no,

Smeally...no,

Pili...no,

Kíli, Kíli yes, that's it, she remembered, that was his name. She didn't know even know his last name, but that was irrelevant because Thorin Oakenshield seemed to be the only dwarf with a last name.

Just then Thranduil entered from a dark cave like hall in shock.

"My moose is dead," he wailed.

Tauriel rolled her eyes. "That's horrible," she sarcastically said, waiting to see if he would notice her dead dwarf lover.

"I know," he said, "he was so majestic. One moment we were charging orcs, the next he was dead," continued Thranduil."

"If it makes you feel better, I don't think you're the only one who lost somebody,"said Tauriel frustratedly.

"What is that supposed to mean?"Asked Thranduil.

He looked down and saw Kíli's body. He looked shocked for a moment, but it seemed to almost lighten his mood. He stood there in an awkward silence like he was thinking of a pun to say but couldn't.

"If this is love, I do not want it from me, please," Said Tauriel.

"I am incapable of love," responded Thranduil, "except for my moose and some O.C.s I'm paired with."

"What is an OC?" asked Tauriel, gazing up teary eyed.

"huh, don't you know anything! An O.C.-own character- is a character developed by a Fanfiction author, usually to be paired an existing canonical character. An O.C. Is usually a Mary Sue...," Before Thranduil could finish Tauriel cut him off.

"What is a Mary Sue?" She asked.

"A Mary Sue is an over done female character in media either exhibiting traits to feminine or masculine to take seriously. Any more questions?" asked Thranduil.

"What is Fanfiction?"

"Like I would tell you," he said, almost defensively.

"Am I a Mary Sue?" She asked.

"That is subject to debate, there are some who would say so, but you do have a large defensive fan base who keeps insisting your not."

"Are you going to kill me now?"

She asked.

"Are you kidding? Of course not, I would rather watch you die from heart break. Slow, sad, painful. Muhahahaha!"

He started coughing as he slunk away into the dark cave like hall he entered from.

Tauriel rolled her eyes and looked back to Kíli's body. It was gone! She looked around, and there saw a lady fair to look upon. Her silver and gold hair gleamed like the light of Varda's brightest stars upon untouched snow, and her eyes held a fire hotter than the flames of a fire. And yet, her blue, flecked with silver and gold eyes held a gentle, motherly look about them, that was more warm than hot. Her elf-like curls brushed the young princes face. She stroked his face, with her gloved hands. Her dress was formal, yet elegant, pink and silver in color, with a long train attached to her shoulders, before the dress puffed out. Her clothing made a statement, as if she wanted to say, 'I will be a lady, but I will not allow you to walk all over me.' She was short, but slender.

Now, back to the story, because nobody cares what she looks like.

"Who the hell are you?!"exclaimed Tauriel, not pleased she stole her lovers corpse.

"I'm like Princess Syarra melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI princess of Sueland, and president of the Kíli fan club responded the goddess like figure.

"Are you half elf half Maiar?"Asked Tauriel.

"Like yeah, do you have like a problem with that?" Asked Syarra melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI as she brushed aside her glittery platinum blonde hair. "I happen to also have like Numenorian, and Valkyrie, whatever."

"How cliché" grumbled Tauriel.

"Like, what ever bitch," said Princess Syarra melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI. "Your just like a lowly Sylvan elf."

"Would all you people quit saying that, besides Haldir, I am the only Sylvan elf mentioned," said Tauriel.

Princess Syarra melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI pointed to the sky and said "look out!"

Tauriel looked to the sky to see what was happening, but by the time she turned around she saw that Princess Syara melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI had summoned a big white horse we now know today as Shadowfax, mounted him along with Kíli's body, and took off into the sunset under a large rainbow above the mountain range to the south.

Tauriel screamed in frustration as she watched the Sue disappear into the horizon. Tauriel thought about pulling out her bow and shooting the Sue, but she was only a good shot at convenient moments of a plot line, And would probably miss her mark because this is only the first chapter of the story, and the author obviously has plans to use Princess Syarra melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI in later chapters as the main antagonist."

Tauriel's thoughts were interrupted when Legolas ran into the area.

"Hide me!" he exclaimed desperately.

"Why?" asked Tauriel, still half in a daze.

"Beorn is trying to kill me, he says that Bolg was his kill and that I shouldn't even this battle!" Said Legolas, looking insulted.

"That's terrible," said Tauriel "I hate it when people say that to me, so I feel your pain."

"We better be getting back to Mirkwood now," said Legolas.

"Back?" said Tauriel "I'm not going back to that place, by the way I am still exiled."

"I am sure we can fix that,"said Legolas.

Tauriel sighed deeply before walking out of the area with Legolas.

Next time on **Tauriel vs Syara melethwen Glitter Sue the XVI**

"I can't believe my father gave you your job back as Captain of the guard," said Legolas.

"Actually, he gave me captain of the Guards deputy," said Tauriel.

"Well, that is still good," said Legolas.

"He only gave it to me because he thinks I'm going to die from heartbreak,and he finds it amusing to watch," she replied.

"Oh," said Legolas awkwardly.

"Good,"said Legolas "I think that the worst is now behind us."

They walked through narrow cave like halls in the dungeon reminiscing old times

( around two weeks ago before Desolation of Smaug occurred ). Their conversation was ended when Thranduil entered in a fuss.

"My necklace is gone!" shouted Thranduil.

"Necklace?" replied Tauriel "I'm pretty sure it was a pile of gems, and I didn't see anyone take them."

"Well,"said Thranduil, "there seems to be three possibilities here, one, you stole it, two, you stole it, and three, you stole it."

"What are you saying?"Asked Tauriel...


End file.
